Black Adder - Miscellaneous Outtakes
Black Adder - Misc Outtakes
---------------------------
Finally, some assorted things I've typed out by request at some point
or another:
Rowan Atkinson comes on stage wearing large sunglasses and a tacky pseudo-
American-pop-star outfit. He speaks in a soft deep voice with a lot of
pausing and repeating of words and `uh' -- all adding to the pseudo-American
persona. As he begins to speak, he sits on one of two stools.
Rowan: Hello. Hello, London. It's nice to be here. Life, uh,
life really does have its ups and downs, doesn't it?
Life, uh, life seems to have its good times, and, uh, life,
uh, seems to have its bad times. And some times are, uh,
finger-lickin' good, and yet other times are just, uh,
ass-wipin' bad. But whatever the way of the world, I,
uh, I always try and keep a smile on my face, 'cause, uh,
well, 'cause I've always got a song to sing. And this one
is devoted, uh, to the true love [the rest is obscured by
applause].
Kate Bush walks on and sits on the other stool, stage left of Rowan.
Rowan: [says something I can't figure out; then the music picks
up, and he starts to sing (he does a lot of silly `groovy'
movements throughout the song).]
For years I thought I'd have to
Live alone
I never got a letter
Had to disconnect the phone
The only girls I ever saw
Were on TV
But now I've got a venus
Who's sitting next to me
Tutti: Do I love you?
Do I want you?
Would I give my life to you
If I could?
Do birds fly?
Do fish swim?
And do bears sha-la-la-la
In the woods?
Rowan: I met her in the first-class lounge
Of a jumbo jet
It was love at first sight
Romeo and Juliet
Kate: He looked pretty rich and I was
Down on luck
So I charged him a fortune
For a flying f--
Rowan: For crying out loud
Tutti: Do I love you?
Do I want you?
Would I sacrifice my life to you
If I could?
Is the Pope catholic?
Is Luxembourg small?
And do those hairy bears
Rowan: Shh!
Tutti: In the woods?
Rowan: I introduced her round my friends
She was ace
I was longer on Earth
But on a better place
Kate: He's an utter creep and he drives me
Round the bend
To alleviate the boredom
I sleep with his friends
Rowan: Ho h-ho...
Tutti: Do I love you?
Do I want you?
Kate: Would I tear out both my eyes and fry them
If I could?
Tutti: Is the Bible fiction?
Is true love a contradiction?
And do bears sha-la-la-la
In the woods?
Do I desire you?
Do I adore you?
Rowan: Would cut off all of my toenails and put them into an envelope
With my feet?
Tutti: Is [???] head?
Is Chairman Mao dead?
And do those bears sha-la-la-la
Rowan: sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Kate: Mmm, yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Tutti: Do those bears sha-la-la-la
Rowan: la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Kate: Mm hmm, ooh, yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Tutti: Do those bears sha-la-la-laaaa
On Main Street?
Kate: Ooh, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Rowan: Thank you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a transcription of a performance by Rowan Atkinson during
"HBO Live From London," circa 1988.
And on the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee.
And it came to pass that all the wine was drunken. And the
mother of Jesus said unto the Lord, "They have no more wine."
And Jesus said unto the servants, "Fill six waterpots with
water." And they did so. And when the steward of the feast
did taste of the water from the pots, it had become wine, and
he knew not whence it had come.
But the servants did know, and they applauded loudly in the
kitchen, and said unto the Lord, "How the Hell did you do that?"
and inquired of Him, "Do you do children's parties?" And the
Lord said, "No."
But the servants did press Him, saying, "Go on, give us another
one!" And so He brought forth a carrot, and said, "Behold of this,
for it is a carrot." And all about Him knew that it was so, for
it was orange with a green top. And He did place a large red cloth
over the carrot and then removed it, and lo He held in His hand a
white rabbit. And all were amazed and said, "This guy is really
good! He should turn professional."
And they brought Him on a stretcher a man who was sick of the
palsy. And they cried unto Him, "Maestro, this man is sick of
the palsy." And the Lord said, "If I had to spend my whole life
on a stretcher, I'd be pretty sick of the palsy too." And they
were filled with joy, and cried out, "Lord, Thy one-liners are
as good as Thy tricks! Thou art indeed an all-round family
entertainer."
And there came unto Him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord
and believed. And Jesus said unto her, "Put on a tutu and lie down
in this box." And then took He forth a saw, and cleft her in twain.
And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said,
"O ye of little faith!" And he threw open the box, and lo Mary was
whole. And all agreed this was a completely brilliant trick, and
they hadn't had so much fun since Nazareth won the Super Bowl. And
Jesus was well pleased with her, and said, "From now on you shall
be known as Trixie, for that is a good name for an assistant."
And the people said, "We've never seen anything like this. This is
great. You must be the son of God!" But the Lord said, "No. I am
he who comes before." And they were so amazed and said, "Then,
Master, how shall we know the true Lord?" And Jesus said, "By his
name shall ye know Him, and He shall have a slightly German name,
and He shall be called Steven, and He shall part the heavens and
make extra-terrestrials to walk upon the face of the earth."
"Steven Spielberg!" they cried. And the Lord said, "Umm, yes,
something like that."
Here ends the lesson.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
by request: the `Clown Court' outtake sketch from Noel Edmonds' [Roadshow
or Late Late Breakfast Show?] ... I had to guess on the words that are
muttered or bleeped. I tried to use the character names when things are
said in character, and the actor name when out of character.
Judge: I have before me one of the most repulsive individuals that has
ever appeared in this court.
Baldrick: Hello, Mr E.
Judge: Name?
Baldrick: Baldrick, Your Honour.
Judge: First name?
Baldrick: Drop dead.
Judge: I beg your pardon!
Baldrick: That's my first name. I think it is, anyway, 'cause when people
see me they shout out, "Drop dead, Baldrick!"
Judge: Very well, Mr D. Baldrick. You stand accused of great stupidity.
Baldrick: Thank you, Your Honour.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Duel and Duality': Baldrick talking to Edmund.
Baldrick: I can't tell you what it is unless you want me to tell you, and
you told me you didn't want me to tell you, and I fuck that's the
the wrong word and I beg your pardon [the rest obscured by
laughter and his hand covering his mouth].
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Nob and Nobility': The farewell scene.
Edmund: We must leave at once. The shadows lengthen, and we have a
long and arduous journey ahead of us. Farewell, dear master
and -- dare I say? -- friend.
[They shake hands and embrace, then separate.]
Prince: Farewell, brave liberator and -- dare I say it? -- butler.
[Edmund opens the door for Baldrick, who is carrying all the supplies.
Prince turns and begins to sob.]
Baldrick: I can't get through the fucking door.
---
Judge: Not an impressive start, I'm sure you'll agree. What's worse, it
seems to have rubbed off on your master and made him stupid too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Amy and Amiability': Edmund looking in a book for
potential wives for the Prince Regent.
Edmund: Oh god.
[He closes the book, and its cover hits another book on a pile nearby.]
Edmund: Oh god, could I start again?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Dish and Dishonesty': Edmund checking the pulse
of Sir Talbot Buxomly.
Edmund: He's dead, sir.
Prince: Dead?
Edmund: Yes, Your Highness.
Prince: Oh, what bad luck -- we were rather getting on.
Edmund: We must move at once.
Prince: In which direction?
Edmund: Sir Gerald represent-- SIR GERALD?! He's not Sir Gerald!
Buxomly: [suddenly alive] Gerald?
Prince: Who's Sir Gerald?
---
Judge: In fact, he was meant to be here. Do you have any explanation
as to why he has failed to appear?
Baldrick: Er, no, Your Honour, but he did give me this note. [takes note
from the front of his trousers]
Judge: Ah, good. Read it.
Baldrick: Erm... [unrolls it] Er... [looks at its edges confusedly]
Judge: You can't read, can you...
Baldrick: Well, not as such, Your Honour, but I can sing `Mary Had A Little
Lamb' with some extremely amusing naughty lyrics.
Judge: Yeah, well... [to the (what are they called?) record taker] Pass
the note over, will you.
[The record taker delivers the note.]
Judge: "From Edmund Blackadder to Lord Chief Justice Edmonds. Dear Sir,
the reason I can't be present is because ... I've got far better
things to do with my time than turn up at your stupid court, you
overdressed beardy weirdy." Well, I'd be a lot more impressed if
he didn't waste so much of other people's time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Amy and Amiability': Edmund returns home after
realising that Amy's family doesn't actually have any money, but
the Prince has just gone out and bought a lot of gold things.
Edmund: [carries his cape as he walks down the stairs] Crisis, Baldrick!
Crisis! No marriage, no money and more bills! [begins to try
putting on the cape] For the first time in my life, I've decided
to follow a oh fuck I've forgot how to put this up.
[Baldrick looks confused about what his master just has said.]
---
Outtake from `Amy and Amiability': Same scene.
Edmund: [again, carrying the cape and not attempting to put it on until
he reaches the bottom of the stairs] Crisis, Baldrick! Crisis!
No marriage, no money and more bills! For the first time in my
life, I've decided to follow a suggestion of yours. Why the bloody
hell doesn't this work?
[Baldrick looks confused about what his master just has said.]
---
Judge: What do you make of that?
Baldrick: I don't know, Your Honour, but Mr B does say it's very difficult
to get things right when I'm around, because of the fetid smell
of boneheaded stupidity.
Judge: So are you to blame for this as well?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Ink and Incapability': Dr Samuel Johnson has arrived.
[knock on door]
Prince: Enter!
Edmund: [opens doors, entering the room] Dr Johnson, Your Highness.
[Johnson enters]
Prince: Ah, Dr Johnson! Damn cold day!
Johnson: Indeed it is, sir -- but a very fine one, for I celebrated last
night the...
Prince: ...what?
Johnson: I can't remember.
---
Baldrick: Yes, that is my fault, Your Honour. Think about it: I mean,
the cleverest man in the whole of England thinks he's coming
to visit the Prince of Wales, and when he knocks at the door
it's opened by a dungball in trousers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Sense and Senility': Baldrick has heard the actors
supposedly conspiring against the Prince. He rushes to warn the
Prince, who is preparing to rehearse a scene with the actors.
[Hugh Laurie, the actor playing the Prince, is still preparing himself
to begin the scene. He is taken by surprise when the door opens and
Tony Robinson, the actor playing Baldrick, already is in character and
has begun.]
Baldrick: [rushing through the doors, closing them behind him]
Murder! Murder! Murder! Murder!
Hugh: Oh, damn, I'm not ready. [turns to Baldrick, trying to convey to
the actor not to do the scene now] No, no, no, no!
Baldrick: [jumping in feverish anxiety] The revolution has started!
[I can't decipher the next line, but it isn't the same as
in the finished product.]
Prince: [opens the door] No, it hasn't started. [motions his arm out the
door]
Baldrick: Oh. [turns to the camera as he leaves] Merry Christmas, VT!
[Hugh closes the door and rushes back to his starting point.]
---
Outtake from `Sense and Senility': Same scene.
Baldrick: [rushes through the doors] Murder! Murder!
[Prince draws his sword]
Baldrick: [closes the doors behind him, but pulls the handle off one
in his feverish entrance] Murder! Murder! Oh shit!
Prince: What? What? What?
Baldrick: [picking up the handle] I can't let go of the fucking doorway
handle!
---
Judge: [now holding his gavel] Do you have anything to say before
your sentence?
Baldrick: No, I don't, Your Honour, but Mr Blackadder did ask me to give
you a special message.
Judge: Ah. Which is...?
Baldrick: Er, "Show the little git no mercy; the death penalty is too good
for this cauliflower-craniumed creep."
Judge: Excellent. I shall take his advice. Mr D. Baldrick, of 17 Rubbish
Rail, London: I condemn you to death. [bangs his gavel]
Baldrick: Thank you very much, Your Honour. It's too good for me.
---------------------------
Finally, some assorted things I've typed out by request at some point
or another:
Rowan Atkinson comes on stage wearing large sunglasses and a tacky pseudo-
American-pop-star outfit. He speaks in a soft deep voice with a lot of
pausing and repeating of words and `uh' -- all adding to the pseudo-American
persona. As he begins to speak, he sits on one of two stools.
Rowan: Hello. Hello, London. It's nice to be here. Life, uh,
life really does have its ups and downs, doesn't it?
Life, uh, life seems to have its good times, and, uh, life,
uh, seems to have its bad times. And some times are, uh,
finger-lickin' good, and yet other times are just, uh,
ass-wipin' bad. But whatever the way of the world, I,
uh, I always try and keep a smile on my face, 'cause, uh,
well, 'cause I've always got a song to sing. And this one
is devoted, uh, to the true love [the rest is obscured by
applause].
Kate Bush walks on and sits on the other stool, stage left of Rowan.
Rowan: [says something I can't figure out; then the music picks
up, and he starts to sing (he does a lot of silly `groovy'
movements throughout the song).]
For years I thought I'd have to
Live alone
I never got a letter
Had to disconnect the phone
The only girls I ever saw
Were on TV
But now I've got a venus
Who's sitting next to me
Tutti: Do I love you?
Do I want you?
Would I give my life to you
If I could?
Do birds fly?
Do fish swim?
And do bears sha-la-la-la
In the woods?
Rowan: I met her in the first-class lounge
Of a jumbo jet
It was love at first sight
Romeo and Juliet
Kate: He looked pretty rich and I was
Down on luck
So I charged him a fortune
For a flying f--
Rowan: For crying out loud
Tutti: Do I love you?
Do I want you?
Would I sacrifice my life to you
If I could?
Is the Pope catholic?
Is Luxembourg small?
And do those hairy bears
Rowan: Shh!
Tutti: In the woods?
Rowan: I introduced her round my friends
She was ace
I was longer on Earth
But on a better place
Kate: He's an utter creep and he drives me
Round the bend
To alleviate the boredom
I sleep with his friends
Rowan: Ho h-ho...
Tutti: Do I love you?
Do I want you?
Kate: Would I tear out both my eyes and fry them
If I could?
Tutti: Is the Bible fiction?
Is true love a contradiction?
And do bears sha-la-la-la
In the woods?
Do I desire you?
Do I adore you?
Rowan: Would cut off all of my toenails and put them into an envelope
With my feet?
Tutti: Is [???] head?
Is Chairman Mao dead?
And do those bears sha-la-la-la
Rowan: sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Kate: Mmm, yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Tutti: Do those bears sha-la-la-la
Rowan: la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Kate: Mm hmm, ooh, yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Tutti: Do those bears sha-la-la-laaaa
On Main Street?
Kate: Ooh, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Rowan: Thank you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a transcription of a performance by Rowan Atkinson during
"HBO Live From London," circa 1988.
And on the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee.
And it came to pass that all the wine was drunken. And the
mother of Jesus said unto the Lord, "They have no more wine."
And Jesus said unto the servants, "Fill six waterpots with
water." And they did so. And when the steward of the feast
did taste of the water from the pots, it had become wine, and
he knew not whence it had come.
But the servants did know, and they applauded loudly in the
kitchen, and said unto the Lord, "How the Hell did you do that?"
and inquired of Him, "Do you do children's parties?" And the
Lord said, "No."
But the servants did press Him, saying, "Go on, give us another
one!" And so He brought forth a carrot, and said, "Behold of this,
for it is a carrot." And all about Him knew that it was so, for
it was orange with a green top. And He did place a large red cloth
over the carrot and then removed it, and lo He held in His hand a
white rabbit. And all were amazed and said, "This guy is really
good! He should turn professional."
And they brought Him on a stretcher a man who was sick of the
palsy. And they cried unto Him, "Maestro, this man is sick of
the palsy." And the Lord said, "If I had to spend my whole life
on a stretcher, I'd be pretty sick of the palsy too." And they
were filled with joy, and cried out, "Lord, Thy one-liners are
as good as Thy tricks! Thou art indeed an all-round family
entertainer."
And there came unto Him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord
and believed. And Jesus said unto her, "Put on a tutu and lie down
in this box." And then took He forth a saw, and cleft her in twain.
And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said,
"O ye of little faith!" And he threw open the box, and lo Mary was
whole. And all agreed this was a completely brilliant trick, and
they hadn't had so much fun since Nazareth won the Super Bowl. And
Jesus was well pleased with her, and said, "From now on you shall
be known as Trixie, for that is a good name for an assistant."
And the people said, "We've never seen anything like this. This is
great. You must be the son of God!" But the Lord said, "No. I am
he who comes before." And they were so amazed and said, "Then,
Master, how shall we know the true Lord?" And Jesus said, "By his
name shall ye know Him, and He shall have a slightly German name,
and He shall be called Steven, and He shall part the heavens and
make extra-terrestrials to walk upon the face of the earth."
"Steven Spielberg!" they cried. And the Lord said, "Umm, yes,
something like that."
Here ends the lesson.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
by request: the `Clown Court' outtake sketch from Noel Edmonds' [Roadshow
or Late Late Breakfast Show?] ... I had to guess on the words that are
muttered or bleeped. I tried to use the character names when things are
said in character, and the actor name when out of character.
Judge: I have before me one of the most repulsive individuals that has
ever appeared in this court.
Baldrick: Hello, Mr E.
Judge: Name?
Baldrick: Baldrick, Your Honour.
Judge: First name?
Baldrick: Drop dead.
Judge: I beg your pardon!
Baldrick: That's my first name. I think it is, anyway, 'cause when people
see me they shout out, "Drop dead, Baldrick!"
Judge: Very well, Mr D. Baldrick. You stand accused of great stupidity.
Baldrick: Thank you, Your Honour.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Duel and Duality': Baldrick talking to Edmund.
Baldrick: I can't tell you what it is unless you want me to tell you, and
you told me you didn't want me to tell you, and I fuck that's the
the wrong word and I beg your pardon [the rest obscured by
laughter and his hand covering his mouth].
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Nob and Nobility': The farewell scene.
Edmund: We must leave at once. The shadows lengthen, and we have a
long and arduous journey ahead of us. Farewell, dear master
and -- dare I say? -- friend.
[They shake hands and embrace, then separate.]
Prince: Farewell, brave liberator and -- dare I say it? -- butler.
[Edmund opens the door for Baldrick, who is carrying all the supplies.
Prince turns and begins to sob.]
Baldrick: I can't get through the fucking door.
---
Judge: Not an impressive start, I'm sure you'll agree. What's worse, it
seems to have rubbed off on your master and made him stupid too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Amy and Amiability': Edmund looking in a book for
potential wives for the Prince Regent.
Edmund: Oh god.
[He closes the book, and its cover hits another book on a pile nearby.]
Edmund: Oh god, could I start again?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Dish and Dishonesty': Edmund checking the pulse
of Sir Talbot Buxomly.
Edmund: He's dead, sir.
Prince: Dead?
Edmund: Yes, Your Highness.
Prince: Oh, what bad luck -- we were rather getting on.
Edmund: We must move at once.
Prince: In which direction?
Edmund: Sir Gerald represent-- SIR GERALD?! He's not Sir Gerald!
Buxomly: [suddenly alive] Gerald?
Prince: Who's Sir Gerald?
---
Judge: In fact, he was meant to be here. Do you have any explanation
as to why he has failed to appear?
Baldrick: Er, no, Your Honour, but he did give me this note. [takes note
from the front of his trousers]
Judge: Ah, good. Read it.
Baldrick: Erm... [unrolls it] Er... [looks at its edges confusedly]
Judge: You can't read, can you...
Baldrick: Well, not as such, Your Honour, but I can sing `Mary Had A Little
Lamb' with some extremely amusing naughty lyrics.
Judge: Yeah, well... [to the (what are they called?) record taker] Pass
the note over, will you.
[The record taker delivers the note.]
Judge: "From Edmund Blackadder to Lord Chief Justice Edmonds. Dear Sir,
the reason I can't be present is because ... I've got far better
things to do with my time than turn up at your stupid court, you
overdressed beardy weirdy." Well, I'd be a lot more impressed if
he didn't waste so much of other people's time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Amy and Amiability': Edmund returns home after
realising that Amy's family doesn't actually have any money, but
the Prince has just gone out and bought a lot of gold things.
Edmund: [carries his cape as he walks down the stairs] Crisis, Baldrick!
Crisis! No marriage, no money and more bills! [begins to try
putting on the cape] For the first time in my life, I've decided
to follow a oh fuck I've forgot how to put this up.
[Baldrick looks confused about what his master just has said.]
---
Outtake from `Amy and Amiability': Same scene.
Edmund: [again, carrying the cape and not attempting to put it on until
he reaches the bottom of the stairs] Crisis, Baldrick! Crisis!
No marriage, no money and more bills! For the first time in my
life, I've decided to follow a suggestion of yours. Why the bloody
hell doesn't this work?
[Baldrick looks confused about what his master just has said.]
---
Judge: What do you make of that?
Baldrick: I don't know, Your Honour, but Mr B does say it's very difficult
to get things right when I'm around, because of the fetid smell
of boneheaded stupidity.
Judge: So are you to blame for this as well?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Ink and Incapability': Dr Samuel Johnson has arrived.
[knock on door]
Prince: Enter!
Edmund: [opens doors, entering the room] Dr Johnson, Your Highness.
[Johnson enters]
Prince: Ah, Dr Johnson! Damn cold day!
Johnson: Indeed it is, sir -- but a very fine one, for I celebrated last
night the...
Prince: ...what?
Johnson: I can't remember.
---
Baldrick: Yes, that is my fault, Your Honour. Think about it: I mean,
the cleverest man in the whole of England thinks he's coming
to visit the Prince of Wales, and when he knocks at the door
it's opened by a dungball in trousers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outtake from `Sense and Senility': Baldrick has heard the actors
supposedly conspiring against the Prince. He rushes to warn the
Prince, who is preparing to rehearse a scene with the actors.
[Hugh Laurie, the actor playing the Prince, is still preparing himself
to begin the scene. He is taken by surprise when the door opens and
Tony Robinson, the actor playing Baldrick, already is in character and
has begun.]
Baldrick: [rushing through the doors, closing them behind him]
Murder! Murder! Murder! Murder!
Hugh: Oh, damn, I'm not ready. [turns to Baldrick, trying to convey to
the actor not to do the scene now] No, no, no, no!
Baldrick: [jumping in feverish anxiety] The revolution has started!
[I can't decipher the next line, but it isn't the same as
in the finished product.]
Prince: [opens the door] No, it hasn't started. [motions his arm out the
door]
Baldrick: Oh. [turns to the camera as he leaves] Merry Christmas, VT!
[Hugh closes the door and rushes back to his starting point.]
---
Outtake from `Sense and Senility': Same scene.
Baldrick: [rushes through the doors] Murder! Murder!
[Prince draws his sword]
Baldrick: [closes the doors behind him, but pulls the handle off one
in his feverish entrance] Murder! Murder! Oh shit!
Prince: What? What? What?
Baldrick: [picking up the handle] I can't let go of the fucking doorway
handle!
---
Judge: [now holding his gavel] Do you have anything to say before
your sentence?
Baldrick: No, I don't, Your Honour, but Mr Blackadder did ask me to give
you a special message.
Judge: Ah. Which is...?
Baldrick: Er, "Show the little git no mercy; the death penalty is too good
for this cauliflower-craniumed creep."
Judge: Excellent. I shall take his advice. Mr D. Baldrick, of 17 Rubbish
Rail, London: I condemn you to death. [bangs his gavel]
Baldrick: Thank you very much, Your Honour. It's too good for me.
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