THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 20
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 20
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ
Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu"
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction: Should Olde Acquaintance be Forgot...
News: Forwarding Addresses, Ant Larvae, Left Handed People, Queen
gets Nipped! More!
OTISian Rants: Puzlin' Rants!, More!
Other Rants: Still More!
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INTRODUCTION
(Apologies to Robert Burns)
I'm Pope Jeffe, goodnight. Or, maybe, that's the
Thunderbolt and I'm outta here! Or, we now return to Scott
Simpsons radio show, this week featuring non-stope dirges from
the 11th century. T-T-That's all folks? Well, I've had it out
with the staff. Either that wallpaper paper goes or I do.
Closing lines are easy to come by but difficult to choose.
So instead of being snappy or inspirational, suffice it to say
that this is my last Purps. I enjoyed creating this monstrosity.
I enjoyed the parties and the Bar Treks, the formal banquet and
the random rituals. I enjoyed the new year and setting fire to
my socks, my birthday party, and even being shot in the chest. I
remain, looking back, amused by the rise of the OTISian faith on
this campus, spreading itself rapidly into a cult following. I
am amused by how popular this slapped together rag became and how
quickly that happened.
Nope. I have no particular words of eulogy as I relinquish
control of this beastie to Mal and eventually Mike, except to
that I enjoyed it, and it seemed that you did too, and I hope
that's a trend that continues. So, following my own advice, I
now fall back on dogma when inspiration leaves.
HAIL OTIS! HAIL ROTUS! HAIL LOTUS! HAIL SPODE!
Take care you all. It's been surreal.
HAIL OTIS!--
PJI
O.K. Mal, take it away....
_______
News
-------
PURPS.STUFF: NEW ADDRESSES! FOR THE SUMMER: BARKER@ACC.FAU.EDU,
AFTER SEPTEMBER 1: DOW@VAX001.KENYON.EDU
OTISIAN NEWS: Many of you have asked who will become "Pope" in
may absence. The answer is that there's only room for ONE Pope,
in this religion, bucko, so you'd better get those ascension
ideas out of YOUR HEAD! However, next school year a Bishop o'
Kenyon (the second Bishop of this beloved institution) will be
appointed in order to keep the grass roots Otisian movement alive
here. The title of "Bishop" will be conferred by as many of the
current OTISian saints on campus as possible. To whit: St. Zeck
of Small Lizards and Furry Marshmallows, St. James of Nothing
Yet, St. Tofer of Ex/recommunications, St. Analisa of Tetris, St.
Kurella (James) of Hmmm.. I forget Right Now, and any other St.s
I may have named in an inebriated state and can no longer
remember. I will be guided complete by their decisions.
WHERE TO FIND US:
If you still have a longing for genuine OTISian Dogma after the
demise of Purps, the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes will
provide. Send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to:
IGHF
POB 235
Williamstown, MA 01267-0235 USA
and ask to be put on the mailing list. This will also, believe
it or not, be the most solid address for me, PJI.
OTHER NEWS
========
From the Columbus Dispatch, 4-17-91:
"If this doesn't make your stomach rumble, nothing will: A Berkeley,
CA, grocery store is selling frozen sour ant larvae. It's said to taste
great in scrambled eggs and soups."
============================================================================
New York Times, 4-4-91:
"Left-handed people tend to live significantly shorter lives than right-
handers, perhaps because they face more perils in a world dominated by the
right-handed, according to new research.
"... In a letter in the current issue of the New England Journal of
Medicine,researchers who studied the deaths of 1000 Southern Californians
report that right-handers, on average, live to be 75 years old. Left-handers
typically die at age 66.
"... They cautioned, `We are not implying that using one's left hand
causes an earlier death.' But they found that lefthanders were more than 5
times (7.9% to 1.5%) as likely to die in accidents, often while driving...."
[Now, let's see.... Reid's 22 now.... 2033, mark that year off....]
============================================================================
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 9 February 1991
_Method Acting_
Mr. Russ Arensman of Hongkong-based magazine _Electronic Business
Asia_ was intrigued by a statement from Digital Equipment Corp that it
would eliminate 3,000 jobs, mainly in Colorado Springs.
The statement did not use the word "lay-offs", but described the
dismissals as "involuntary methodologies".
It's one of the most creative bursts I've seen from the company in
a long time," said Russ.
We wonder how the phrase is actually used? Do Digital bosses call
employees into their office and say: "Sorry, Blotnik, I have no choice
but to involuntarily methodologise you."
Is hiring someone called: "Voluntarily demethodologising them"?
============================================================================
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 26 February 1991
_Laptop in Colombo puts Campbell in the Soup_
Technology writer Larry Campbell decided to take a laptop to
Sri Lanka.
Unfortunately, he also wanted to take it out again.
When he got to the airport, a customs official said: "You
can't take that out without an export permit from the Exchange
Control Department in Colombo."
In the city, he went to the Exchange Control Department
where officials told him: "You can't get a permit without the
right paperwork from airport customs."
Back he went to the airport, 25 miles out of the city.
Staff there said they had sent the forms to Colombo.
Back he went to Colombo. After two frustrating days he tied
down a customs official who said a letter could be picked up
later.
Mr. Campbell arrived at the appointed hour, but the official
refused to sign the letter since it had too many spelling
mistakes. (No word processors, you see). And it was past 4pm so
all the clerks had gone home.
"So I typed the stupid letter myself on one of the
department's prehistoric typewriters," growled the Hongkong
computer man.
After a week of nightmarish bureaucracy he showed the permit
to the customs official on the way out.
"You don't really need one of those," chuckled the man in
uniform.
Mr. Campbell came close to testing his laptop's ability to
double as a blunt instrument.
============================================================================
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 March 1991
_Mid-Air Drama_
Mr. Daniel Akler, a Hongkong-based consultant, settled back in his
seat on the morning flight CAAC 319 from Guangzhou to Hongkong
yesterday.
Just as in other airlines' international flights, a safety
demonstration was announced.
A voice started describing what to do on the public address
system, and a stewardess appeared in the aisle to demonstrate.
Step One: she picked up the life-jacket and tried to undo the
buckle. It wouldn't budge.
The voice continued the description, and the stewardess looked
rather at a loss.
Since she couldn't open the buckle, she couldn't do any of the
rest of the operation.
The voice continued to drone.
"She folded up the lifejacket, put it back in its place, and
strolled quietly away," said Mr. Akler.
[I always suspected that, actually...]
============================================================================
South China Morning Post - 6 March 1991
_The Queen Bitten in Corgi Fight_
The Queen was given three stitches in her left hand after
being bitten on the knuckle by a Royal Corgi, a Buckingham Palace
spokesman said yesterday.
The incident occurred at Windsor Castle, west of London, on
Sunday, as she tried to break up a fight among 10 corgis.
Royal Chauffeur Mr. John Collins was also bitten when he
rushed to her aid.
Two of the corgie involved in the incident at the weekend
also belonged to the Queen Mother, but she was not present.
Two years ago one of the Queen's dogs was killed by a pack
led by the Queen Mother's corgie Ranger.
============================================================================
From the Columbus Dispatch, 27 April 1991:
A series of fast-food restaurant commericals starring a disembodied,
talking head named Bob is getting raves from the advertising industry. Some
parents, however, have complained to Krystal Co. that Bob appears off screen
in their children's nightmares.
The complaints are so few, Krystal said, & the praise so great that the
Chattanooga-based hamburger chain is going ahead with the campaign.
Advertising Age magazine has given the new TV ad campaign 3 out of a
possible 4 stars. In the TV ads, Bob the head extols the virtues of the
restaurant chain while perched in a variety of locales, including a pickup
truck bed, a front lawn, a henhouse & a Krystal grill. The commercials end
with the tag line "Head to Krystal." Krystal officials report that some
parents have complained that the campaign, which began this month in some
markets, frightens their children.
Krystal spokesman Mark Williams said the complaints had been few & that
Bob soon would be seen in most of Krystal's market areas. "It wasn't
intended to be scary," Williams said. "It was intended more as a fantasy
character."
. . . Despite the irreverent tone of the ads, Krystal officials said
they embraced the high-concept campaign immediately. "Humor has always been
a big part of our advertising focus," Williams said.
============================================================================
South China Morning Post - 28 February 1991
_Rats Take on a Tasty Role_
Rats have made the menu in Guangzhou [a province in China],
the official _Economic Information Daily_ newspaper said
yesterday.
The mouse and rat meat - selling for up to 25 yuan [US$4.75]
per kilogram - can be served simmered, roasted, stewed, smoked,
deep fried or stir-fried.
The newspaper suggested that appreciation of the delicacy
should spread throughout the land as a way of reducing the
population of pests.
"Eating rats can open up a new supply of meat, turning a
harm into a benefit," it said.
Suggested recipes included asparagus fried with rat and rat
steamed with lotus leaves.
============================================================================
From: VAX001::SCHROEDER "Lemur Fun Kit (TM)" 7-MAY-1991 09:37:39.35
To: LARA MICHAEL RICHARD
CC: JEFFE ADLERJ
Subj: "Is that an ancient pagoda, or are you happy to see me?"
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 1 May 1991
_Erected On High_
Tourist authorities in China yesterday confirmed the existence of a
giant representation of Buddha formed by some hills at Leshan, in Sichuan
province.
But they are embarrassed about the position of a tall, angular
pagoda on the site.
The image of a Buddha lying on his back was first spotted in May
1989 when Pan Hongzhong, 62, a tourist from Foshan in Guangdong,
developed his holiday snaps.
Many people thought the discovery was a publicity stunt to attract
tourists to Sichuan.
But after more than a year of research, the _China Daily_ reported
yesterday the official version: the recumbent Buddha is an accident of
nature, with human help.
About the embarrassingly placed protuberance, the _China Daily_
reports: "An ancient pagoda on top of the hills that form the lower part of
the Buddha's body, makes it appear manly."
Very delicately put.
============================================================================
Letters To The Editor:
[Personal Problems]
I have a friend, let's call her BoB. Recently, she has discovered small
bumps, or nodules under her skin. The first one was on her upper left arm.
Last week she found one on the back of her neck. I asked her about anything
strange lately, and she said, "Yeah. I blacked out while driving from a
top secret government base last month. Could that have anything to do with
it?"
I think so, but I'm not an expert. I was hoping someone out there is....
Desperately waiting a reply,
Donn
===========================================================================
[Somebody LOVES us!]
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 23-APR-1991 09:32:15.75
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: and this as well
From: rjohnson%vela.acs.oakland.edu (R o d Johnson)
Subject: Re: fnord
To: eiverson%nmsu.edu
Date: Mon, 22 Apr 91 23:46:17 EDT
In-Reply-To: <9104230331.AA13359@NMSU.Edu>; from "eiverson@NMSU.Edu" at Apr
22, 91 9:31 pm
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL6]
> Oh, and I suppose the debate on the difference between "instantly" and
> "instantaneously" is of the highest scientific importance. What about
> that quest for the plural of "aquarium"?
No, it's not. But at least it's not the usual cabal of net wankers
chattering to each other. My beef is not with the query per se, but
with the whole free-floating apparatus of Discordian weenies that
wafts through newsgroup after newsgroup like the after-effects of a
bad Mexican meal.
> As a linguist and researcher
> in NLP, it is my professional opinion that the term sci.lang is an
> oxymoron.
That's nice. Now what?
> Chill out! Get some slack!
Yes, that's the cabal of net wankers I'm referring to, exactly.
> Don't take the group so
> seriously.
That's the whole problem. I dearly wish I *could* take it seriously,
but all my colleagues abandon it after a couple tries with sickened
looks on their faces. I keep quitting myself, but every couple months
I check in and try again. Maybe I'm just stupid.
> And never *never* insult Pope Jeoffe....
No offense, Eric; you seem like a good guy. But *fuck* Pope Jeoffe.
Guys like him have alt.slack and alt.stupidity for their own little
playpens. Fine. But regardless of what you think about sci.lang, it
*just isn't the place* for his sort of involuted, masturbatory
cleverness.
The original request was crossposted to three absolutely unrelated
groups. It's minimal politeness to set followups or at least watch
the Newsgroups: line. Since Pope Jeoffe couldn't be bothered, I lent
a hand.
R
==========================================================================
>From: TSIMPSON%SMITH.BITNET@mitvma.mit.edu
>Subject: taking me off your people list
>To: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.fiu.edu
>Message-id: <7E5701D800DF20167E@SMITH>
>X-Envelope-to: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.fiu.edu
>X-VMS-To: IN%"'FAUVAX::BARKER'@SERVAX.fiu.edu"
>
>hi hi...
> something you might, or might not find amusing. smith college has
>decided that i am in dire need of psychiatric treatment and is sending
>me home. they won't let me out of the infirmary, but i convinced them
>to let me out to get some on-line notes i needed to take an exam. take
>me off your list at this address. i will write to you from west virginia
>where i am fleeing to promptly. i will no longer be receiving mail at
>this address.
> ta!
> st. tif of the bloody pinking shears
> guardian of OTISian vengeance
[Mal and I have talked it over and have decided that a: going to Smith would
be enough to drive anyone crazy and b: this is obviously the first
rumbelings of a VAST conspiracy against the OTISian faith, so it's probably
time to let the lawyers back out of the closet. Well, they can PUT our most
violent of Saints, so far, anywhere THEY want. We're not about to loose
faith. Had we any followers in West Virginia, we'd be moblizing them right
now to help with the situation. As it stands we send our hopes and prayers
(although no cash, because she didn't pay us back last time, now did she...)
with her, and wish her the best. Finally, I, as Pope, hearby confer the
title, of "Living Marter" on saint Tiff (she is the faith's second living
Martyr, after the Grand Vizer of the Brown Bucket, who sacrificed himself to
Kenyon security forces) for putting up with Smith's harassment. She is now
St. Tiff the Living Martyr of the Bloody Pinking Shears.]
============================================================================
[Soon to die in a mysterious boating accident...]
From: benno@crash.cts.com (Benno Eichmann)
Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.activism,alt.censorship
Subject: Are many influetials or Judges in America Masonic members?
Message-ID: <8919@crash.cts.com>
Date: 29 Apr 91 10:17:58 GMT
Organization: Crash TimeSharing, El Cajon, CA
As the subject says, I'm curious
if there is any basis for many key
figures in our society being Masons as
are associated with various local Masonic
order lodges/groups.
I wonder how many court Justices are
33rd degree Masons? Also, what would
set any Justice or person of a lower degree
apart from one of a 33rd degree level
in terms of special rights/knowledge etc.?
============================================================================
[Those Fropheads... what guys...]
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man who had no
slack. So I KONKED him on the head with my pipe and stole his shoes
since he was a pink conspirator after all. Who was he to have no slack
and have shoes. And it was good. And we were good. And they were
good. Even Julie from The Mod Squad was good. And the man was slackjawed,
which was close enough for me. FOR NOW.
--
Pete_Bob Apple Sequent Computer Systems
petebob@sequent.com, sequent!petebob 15450 S.W. Koll Parkway
Bob is not just a name.. Beaverton, Oregon 97006
It's a way of life.. (503) 626-5700
============================================================================
From: VAX001::WINS%"<bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu>" 6-MAY-1991 12:59:25.65
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Birthday
Just so everyone knows, I'm _23_ today. Heh-heh.
TSD
==========================================================================
[Williams College... Stranger than we are?]
From: VAX001::WINS%"<94CRR@vax.cc.williams.edu>" 24-APR-1991 15:01:14.79
To: HILLV
Subj: You did, I'm afraid,..
Say central Ohio was dull. Well, we had perspectives here today, and
many silly things happened. A tour went through the mail room, a senior
opened his box, screamed, yelled "I can't take the pressure" and jumped out
the window. The mail room is on the first floor and he did a nice roll on
the sidewalk out side. Scared many a parent, but the students loved it.
We are also planning on ambushing tours for the rest of the year, as they
will be very small. Should be fun.
OTIS sounds very, very, interesting. possibly even more creative than
we were. wish I could have seen it.
----------------------------------------------------------------
OTISIAN RANTS
---------------------------------------------------------------
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
revealed!)
To start us off, a bit of a rant....
[Lost the headers for this one... but the rant's curteousy of "Puzzlin'
Evidence", a VERY strange man....]
It thrills me.
We can build a nation within a nation right where we are.
The choice is yours.
I'm not a joiner.
I'm not a member of the John Birch Society or the communist party.
But let's look at what's happened to the national morals since World
War II. The movies and TV are filled with characters I don't even want
to know, at least in this life.
We lost the Vietnam War. The farmer's in trouble. The small businessman's
in trouble. Unemployment is skyrocketing. Texas is STILL paying for
John F. Kennedy's assasination.
Now let's look at who's been running this country sice World War II.
THEY.
Have some Involvement in all these things.
What is the link ? What do cars have to do with books, you might ask.
The Tri-lateral commission with the Council on Foreign Relations - you
ever hear of them ? Well, neither did I, until I noticed the
CHAIN OF COINCIDENCE.
THEY.
Have members on the boards of all the major corporations. Not one
detail has been left out. Am I right? Do you feel it? Do you know
what Bobby Ray Inman was doing before he was running the Microelectronics
and Computertech corporations? Well, guess! A CIA director! It's
public knowledge!
Do you run out of Kleenex, paper towels and toilet paper at the
SAME TIME? You know it's true!!
You know how the governor campaigned to get the FCC here? Do you know what
their goal is?
Well, Elvis did. Artificial Intelligence. Huh! Robots.
Oh, they'd like that, wouldn't they. Yes sir, sleep sleeeeep. One and one
does not equal two. No sir, no sir, silicon gulch.
Silicon prarie.
Silicon hills.
Silicon valley.
It's late. It's laaaate.
============================================================================
[A public Service anouncement. Don't you do anything illegal with the
numbers at the end... From here to the end of this one, the comments in
brackets are NOT mine...]
Friend of mine brought me this leaflet from McDonald's. (Ronald
McDonald Children's Charities (R) is one of the sponsors of the
cartoon.) There's actually a lot of good stuff in here, but moreso
a lot of new myths that will wear out the efficacy of anti-abuse
education when and if the children start to develop some capacity
for independent thinking.
---
Don't miss the re-broadcast of the 1990 anti-substance abuse special
that attracted the largest Saturday morning TV audience ever!
'Toon In With Your Kids!
...and watch as 9-year-old Corey and a host of animated all-stars
leap into action to save her older brother Michael from "Smoke,"
the villain who is tempting Michael with drugs. It's an adventure
sure to entertain your kids, and also teach them the realities of
drug and alcohol abuse.
[Picture of a vampiric "Smoke" learing over Michael's shoulder, with
Corey tugging at his side. Marijuana smokers are possessed, just like
epileptics and homosexuals.]
Drugs Are No Laughing Matter
It's hard to believe, but many children are exposed to drugs as early
as the 4th grade. That's why the Cartoon All-Stars have joined forces
to teach your children at an early age.
As a parent, you are the most important part of the All-Star Team.
By watching and discussing the program as a family you'll help your
kids understand why drug use is bad news.
Before The Show
Start a dialogue with your shildren to find out what they already know
about drug and alcohol abuse. How do they feel about it? As you
prepare to discuss this subject, remember these hints:
* BE A GOOD LISTENER. Pay attention to what your children are _not_
saying as well. And don't end the discussion if you hear something
you don't like. [Until they catch on and only tell you the things
you do like to hear.]
* GIVE LOTS OF PRAISE. Emphasize the positive in your children to
help them feel good about themselves, and develop the self-confidence
to say no to drugs. [People use drugs because they feel bad about
themselves. If they don't feel bad, then we have piss tests and jail
cells to make them feel bad.]
* GIVE CLEAR MESSAGES. Make sure your children know exactly what
your family standards are.
After The Show
Ask your kids to tell you about the story in their own words. What
did they think of Michael, Corey and Smoke? Discuss some of the
common myths that can lead to drug abuse, like:
* DRUGS SOLVE PROBLEMS. Wrong. Did Michael's problems disappear
when he started using drugs? Or did they get worse? Remember that
everyone feels down once in a while -- it's part of growing up --
but drugs are no solution.
* DRUGS MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD. Not really. Think about Michael's
roller coaster ride. What was happening to his body then? Do you
think he was having fun? Michael learned that drugs may make you
feel good at first, but they actually leave you feeling worse than
ever. ["Roller coasters make you feel good at first, but they
actually leave you feeling worse than ever."]
* DRUGS ARE GIVEN TO YOU BY "FRIENDS." What did Michael's friends
do when they heard the police siren? Were they being good friends to
Michael? People who offer you drugs are _not_ good friends. A real
friend doesn't dare encourage you to harm yourself. [Or feed you
demonizing propoganda like this.]
* I WON'T BECOME ADDICTED. Not necessarily. Drug addiction sneaks
up on users, and _anyone_ can become dependent. Some drugs are
addictive right away, while others become habit-forming slowly. Do
you think Michael was addicted? If he wasn't, what made him steal
Corey's piggy bank?
* USING DRUGS IS COOL. No way. Drug users may appear to be cool and
in control, but often they're covering up insecurities and problems
from schoolwork to home life. Some kids use drugs to try to fit in.
Did Michael fit in better once he started using drugs? Or was his
life more out of control?
How To Say No
Your chldren have learned from Michael, Corey and the Cartoon All-Stars
that using drugs is a big mistake. But it's still not easy to say no,
especially when "friends" encourage them to try alcohol and other drugs.
Peer pressure can lead a child to try drugs despite knowing the dangers.
[Even worse if they tend to disbelieve the dangers because they've gotten
so much dumb propoganda like this.]
Discuss the concept of peer pressure with your kids. Do they know what
it is and how to deal with it? Do they know how to say no? It may
be helpful to review with your kids some of the ways the All-Stars
said NO to drugs in their song.
Now On With The Show!
Tune in Saturday, April 20, 1991
Appearing on: NBC, FOX, UNIVISION, BET, TELEMNUNDO and hundreds
of cable and indepdnent stations
(Check local TV listings for additional broadcast information
That's Not All Folks
It's not always fun or easy to discuss substance abuse with your
children, especially if you suspect a problem in your family. If
you need more suggestions on how to deal with this topic here are
some additional resources:
Just Say No International
800-258-2766
National Federation of Parents For Drug Free Youth
314-968-1322
National Parents' Resource Institute For Drug Education
800-677-7433
...
Sincere Thanks To...
The Academy of Television Arts & Science Foundation, Alien Productions,
Bagdasarian Productions, Columbia Picture TV, DIC, Walt Disney Co.,
Film Roman, Hanna Barbera, Marvel Productions, Murakami Wolf Swenson,
Warner Brothers, and participating television networks and stations.
For information write:
"Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue"
McDonald's Drug Education
P.P. Box 11189
Chicago, IL 60611
---------------------------------
An aside:
Someone's going to spray the word "alone" in those new billboards we have
on the West Coast that say "Don't do drugs, find a friend."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Wayne Tvedt cthulhu@ucscf.ucsc.edu
..!ucbvax!ucscc!{ucscb,ucscf}!cthulhu
"Drugs! Yuck!" -- Scooby Doo, 1990
=========================================================================
[The official Purps Instruction manual, [TM]]
READ THIS FIRST ===============
Congratulations. You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give
you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you will
undoubtly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which
is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?
YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE
KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE
INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD
ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE
DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer
inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these
instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with
dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it from
the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing
boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE
SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is
her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, it now seriously
considering backing out on the whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most
of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if
you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE
PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you
attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single
peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by
Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that
can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latest
thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a
continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is
equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small
Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN] Lay it
gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it
weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP
OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS
THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE
DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE
MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT
DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that:
NEVER to hold these buttons two times]] Except the battery. Next taking the
(something) earth section may cause a large occurrence] However. If this is
not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly
(something) virepoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday
afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no
charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge
from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil
spirits.
This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
============================================================================
From: VAX001::WINS%"djm1@Ra.MsState.Edu" 3-MAY-1991 07:25:25.62
To: BEEBA
Subj: humor99
A Grim Sunday Morning In Church
Dear Friend of Life,
I am enclosing this bag of guinea pig droppings in the hopes that you
will join me at this crucial time in the crusade to save the lives of
unborn babies.
Did you know that under the right laboratory conditions, scientists
can alter the DNA structure of guinea pig droppings? Theoretically,
these droppings could be altered until they become exactly the same
as a single-celled united human egg and sperm, that is, exactly the
same as a human child. Under the right conditions, these droppings
could become a human being, and you and I both know, with the
miraculous advances being made by science, that someday the technology
will exist to do just that.
Are we going to wait until science shows us a way to turn these
potential unborn babies into real unborn children before we start
working to protect their rights? Every time just one of these
droppings decays into dirt, a potential human being has died. Think
about it!
I'm sure you will agree that guinea pig droppings have no voice in our
society, and that it takes Christians of conscience like you and me to
speak up in their defense and to remind people that all potential
human life comes from God.
Won't you take pity on the plight of these potential children and send
me money right now? Today. It could be years before the Supreme
Court decides to rule in favor of these helpless children. We must
act now.
How? We must begin by recommending guinea pig dropping-control
devices to Randall Terry, Jerry Falwell, Oral Roberts, and other
self-proclaimed spokespeople for God. Every time one of these people
asks for money or utters a pious phrase on behalf of the Lord, he is
adding to the guinea pig droppings in our culture and hence to
potential human life which will never see the light of day. Although
these people are all against such preventative measures as the guinea
pig dropping mouth condom or the guinea pig dropping pill, we must
persuade them that it is better to avoid creating guinea pig droppings
than to murder them after they already exist. Every time one of their
colleagues gets caught in the sex act (like Jimmy Swaggart or Jim
Bakker) more of their droppings die of attrition. Tammy should know!
Won't you please give us your heartfelt support? Your pledge of just
$10 per month will help greatly in our fight for this great cause.
Remember, millions of guinea pig droppings (that is potential human
beings) die every day. We pray that you'll find it in your heart to
join this great cause.
For Life,
G.P. Crank
============================================================================
[Him again]
Subject: It's Womp-Womp-A-Delicious(TM)
Message-ID: <1991May5.050813.21535@world.std.com>
Date: 5 May 91 05:08:13 GMT
Organization: Emerson College (Boston), formerly RPI (Troy, NY)
Lines: 18
So this old man's Hair Club for Men(TM) implants grow into his brain
and then he falls and can't get up but his Clapper(TM) is interfering
with his LifeCall(TM) and so while he's lying there helpless a few seeds
fall off his Chia Pet(TM) and land in his mouth and he swallows them and
they sprout and he turns green and then his head explodes.
The irony is that he never gets double his money back from the
Clapper(TM) people.
It's true, it happened to a lover of a guy I hate who knows Milton
Berle's ex-cabdriver.
--
James "Kibo" Parry kibo@rpi.edu
132 Beacon St. #213, Boston, MA 02116
(617) 262-3922
===============================================================
OTHER RANTS
===============================================================
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 7-MAY-1991 12:46:44.06
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: You've got your government cheese now you've got your cookies
Message-ID: <19072@sdcc6.ucsd.edu>
Date: 7 May 91 02:36:05 GMT
Sender: news@sdcc6.ucsd.edu
Organization: University of California, San Diego
Lines: 34
My boss is convinced that this is true...However, it smacks of UL to me!
It turns out that during the height of the Cold War...The US Government
contracted for a company to create something akin to 'war rations' that
could be distributed to the masses in the event of food shortages as a
result of a nuclear holocaust.
The developed 'staple food' was something akin to an oreo cookie (...Or
perhaps they were Oreos, and the government contracted Nabisco to make tons
'o' Oreos for the same purpose, my memory is fuzzy, as this story was told
to me some time ago...)
In any case, apparently the government has warehouses filled with hundreds
of thousands of tons of these little delights (Still left over from the
50s-60s), which are either toxic/gone bad/or too expensive
to dispose of...So there is no immediate plan to destroy these treats, and
the primary function of some abandoned desert military bases are solely
to store cookies!
Wow! I love this story...Has anybody heard any variations on this story?
Any verifications
___________________________________________________________________
----- Kendrick Kelly, aka Captain Biggles
------------- University of California, San Diego
----------------- email: kkelly@ucsd.edu.sdcc13
============================================================================
From: halcyon!elf@seattleu.edu (Elf Sternberg)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors,talk.bizarre
Subject: Procter and Gamble and the Church of Satan ?
Message-ID: <2waB21w164w@halcyon.uucp>
I found this at work recently:
"The president of Proctor & Gamble appeared on the Phil Donahue
show on Friday, March 1, 1991. He announced that due to the openness of
our society, he was going to come out of the closet about his association
with the church of Satan [sic]. He stated that _a_large_portion_of_the_
profit_for_the_PROCTOR_&_GAMBLE_PRODUCTS_goes_to_the_support_of_the_church
of_Satan [sic]. When asked by Mr. Donahue if stating this on television
would hurt his business, he replied ''THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH CHRISTIANS IN
THE UNITED STATES TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.''"
This was followed by a list of P&G products and a call for a
boycott, with the following comment: "If you are not sure about a
product, look for the symbol of the Ram's Horns which will appear on each
product beginning in April. The Ram's Horns will for the number _666_
which is known as Satan's number. Certain P&G products are from an
enourmous backstock and the symbol will not appear for quite a while."
It's now the beginning of May. Nobody in my house has seen any
of this nonsense, and I hardly take it seriously. So... Has anybody else
seen the "Ram's Horns?" Better yet, can anybody tell me if they saw the
verdammit episode, and what did they see?
And, finally, should I mail this little flyer to P&G or Donahue?
I smell a lawsuit brewing.
Elf !! ? (Infinite curiosity brewing in our brains...)
============================================================================
LAST WORD!
[I couldn't think of anything more appropreiate to end my editorship with
than a good recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Enjoy!]
NEIMAN-MARCUS' CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
Last November, a friend had lunch at Neiman-Marcus' "The Hedges" restaurant
in Dallas, Texas. For dessert, she ordered some of their famous chocolate
chip cookies. As usual, she thought that they were the best cookies that
she had ever tasted. When the waiter returned, she asked if the recipe was
available.
He said it was, for the price of "two-fifty". She said "Great!" and asked
that it be added to her store charge. A month later, when her statement
arrived, she noticed a charge of $250 on her bill. She called Neiman-Marcus
and told them that there was only "$2.50". Unfortunately, Neiman-Marcus
assured her that the amount was correct.
As a result, she has vowed to get back at them. It is now her goal to make
sure that as many people as possible have this recipe. Her only request is
that each person that receives it passes it on to every interested person
they know.
2 cups of butter 1 teaspoon of salt
2 cups of sugar 2 teaspoons of baking powder
2 cups of brown sugar 2 teaspoons of baking soda
4 eggs 24 oz. of chocolate chips
2 teaspoons of vanilla 1 8oz. Hershey bar, grated
4 cups of flour 3 cups of chopped nuts
5 cups of blended oatmeal*
*Blended oateal: measure and blend in a blender to a fine powder.
Cream butter, add both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla. Mix together with
flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and baking soda. Add chips, candy bar
and nuts. Roll into ball shape and place 2" apart on a cookie sheet. Bake
for 6-10 minutes at 375 degress F.
Yield: 112 cookies. The recipe can also be divided in half.
============================================================================
[And a little known fact [TM]]
Researchers at Georgia Tech paid volunteers $15 to tumble down a flight of
stairs as part of a project to find out how a body falls.
________________________________________________________________
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 20
----------------------------------------------------------------
Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
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